Coach

Last week, I went to a high school football game for the first time in a long time. My good friend was hired this past off-season to be the quarterbacks coach at a nearby school, Dayton Christian. The team is rebuilding. They had a very tough season last year, and so far this year have had some struggles.

They were playing a team that was undefeated, and is generally a tough team in Division VI down here in Cincinnati. Nobody gave Dayton Christian a shot at winning the game. The odds were definitely stacked against them. Now, I'd love to be able to tell you some David vs. Goliath story here and highlight how even when things look impossible, you can pull out the win as long as you fight hard and believe in yourself. But that's not what happened. It was 31-0 at halftime, and Dayton Christian was on the wrong side of things. During the second half, the OHSAA mercy rule was put in place (a running clock throughout the second half) and the game finished up at 31-0.

The most impressive thing to me was how the kids and coaches from Dayton Christian reacted to what was happening on the field. During the second half, everyone in the stadium knew how the game was going to turn out. But the kids from Dayton Christian kept playing like they had a shot at pulling out a miracle upset. They were on the sidelines going crazy for every defensive stop and for every offensive play that got some positive yards. When a mistake would cause a turnover or stall out a drive, the coaches didn't scream and yell at the kids. Nobody hung their heads. I watched my friend take the QB aside after a bad decision on an option play led to a fumble and calmly talk him through the mistake and how to fix it in the future. While the goal may have changed from winning the game to just getting on the board, the team and coaches never gave up. And when it was all said and done, the players came over to the sidelines and thanked the fans for sticking with them and promised they'd bring home a win, soon. 

When it comes to football, you don't always see the team keep their heads up and play hard throughout the entire game. My dad, who coached football for several years, used to say, "if you play hard and lose to a better team, there's no shame in that; it's when you give up that you really lost." While he is 100% right about that, sometimes you can't blame a team for hanging their heads. If a team keeps losing, time after time, it's natural for them to feel like they have already lost when they get behind early in a game. But that's where good coaches come in.

I've seen coaches absolutely lose their minds on the sidelines. When a game is going poorly, some coaches will snap on a player for a mistake. It's almost cartoon-like: their eyes bug out of their head, steam comes from their ears, and anyone good at lip-reading can see that colorful language is most definitely being used.

But most coaches are more like my dad and my friend. They pick the kids up after a mistake. They tell them what went wrong and let them know that they will get it right next time. They don't let the team hang their heads. It's about teaching and making sure the kids fight until the final whistle blows. A good coach is someone who is positive. Even when the game isn't going the way they thought it would, a good coach will remain positive that the team can always come back and win. A good coach doesn't criticize the players, but helps to develop their confidence by building on small wins. A good coach knows how to pick their players up when they feel down.

While sitting there listening to the Dayton Christian players thank the fans that came out to support them, I couldn't help but think of the current situation that Alex is going through. It seems like every doctor's appointment takes more wind out of her sails. Every day she wakes up feeling pain or discomfort, it's like her IC just recovered a fumble and took it in for another touchdown. I totally understand why she would start to hang her head. She feels like this is a deficit that our team can't overcome. But that's where I need to be her coach.

Picking up someone who is going through something like Interstitial Cystitis is a difficult task. Because the condition contributes to a significantly reduced quality of life, people who suffer from it also tend to be prone to feelings of depression. As my wife's coach, I try to make sure she knows that I'm here for her. Even if it's just sitting next to her and letting her cry on my shoulder. She feels like she isn't going to get better. I need to balance that out and remain optimistic that she will. Even though she probably feels like I'm just full of bullshit, I constantly remind her that things will get better. I really believe that they will. I figure that if I keep saying it, she'll eventually start to believe it. I will try to distract her from what she is feeling. Whether that means going and grabbing dinner somewhere, or putting a movie on Netflix, I keep up hope that the distraction will help her feel better...even if just for a small amount of time. I think it's important that no matter what your spouse is going through, whether it's something like IC or something where they are just having a string of bad days at work, you need to be the one that is there to help them get through it.

It's not a fun or easy job. When you're the coach, and you feel like your team is hanging their heads, the responsibility to pick them up falls to you. You have to do it. I have to be Alex's coach. I don't know exactly what to say to her in the locker room at halftime. But I hope that she knows she's not playing this game by herself. I'm out there with her. I may not be the one that takes all the hits physically, but I feel it too every time she takes one. But now isn't the time to hang our heads. Now is the time to adjust to a very positive attitude and really think we're going to be able to pull out a win. Because I really believe that we are going to win. It just might take longer than we thought.

“Adversity is another way to measure the greatness of individuals. I never had a crisis that didn't make me stronger.” - Lou Holtz