Coach

Last week, I went to a high school football game for the first time in a long time. My good friend was hired this past off-season to be the quarterbacks coach at a nearby school, Dayton Christian. The team is rebuilding. They had a very tough season last year, and so far this year have had some struggles.

They were playing a team that was undefeated, and is generally a tough team in Division VI down here in Cincinnati. Nobody gave Dayton Christian a shot at winning the game. The odds were definitely stacked against them. Now, I'd love to be able to tell you some David vs. Goliath story here and highlight how even when things look impossible, you can pull out the win as long as you fight hard and believe in yourself. But that's not what happened. It was 31-0 at halftime, and Dayton Christian was on the wrong side of things. During the second half, the OHSAA mercy rule was put in place (a running clock throughout the second half) and the game finished up at 31-0.

The most impressive thing to me was how the kids and coaches from Dayton Christian reacted to what was happening on the field. During the second half, everyone in the stadium knew how the game was going to turn out. But the kids from Dayton Christian kept playing like they had a shot at pulling out a miracle upset. They were on the sidelines going crazy for every defensive stop and for every offensive play that got some positive yards. When a mistake would cause a turnover or stall out a drive, the coaches didn't scream and yell at the kids. Nobody hung their heads. I watched my friend take the QB aside after a bad decision on an option play led to a fumble and calmly talk him through the mistake and how to fix it in the future. While the goal may have changed from winning the game to just getting on the board, the team and coaches never gave up. And when it was all said and done, the players came over to the sidelines and thanked the fans for sticking with them and promised they'd bring home a win, soon. 

When it comes to football, you don't always see the team keep their heads up and play hard throughout the entire game. My dad, who coached football for several years, used to say, "if you play hard and lose to a better team, there's no shame in that; it's when you give up that you really lost." While he is 100% right about that, sometimes you can't blame a team for hanging their heads. If a team keeps losing, time after time, it's natural for them to feel like they have already lost when they get behind early in a game. But that's where good coaches come in.

I've seen coaches absolutely lose their minds on the sidelines. When a game is going poorly, some coaches will snap on a player for a mistake. It's almost cartoon-like: their eyes bug out of their head, steam comes from their ears, and anyone good at lip-reading can see that colorful language is most definitely being used.

But most coaches are more like my dad and my friend. They pick the kids up after a mistake. They tell them what went wrong and let them know that they will get it right next time. They don't let the team hang their heads. It's about teaching and making sure the kids fight until the final whistle blows. A good coach is someone who is positive. Even when the game isn't going the way they thought it would, a good coach will remain positive that the team can always come back and win. A good coach doesn't criticize the players, but helps to develop their confidence by building on small wins. A good coach knows how to pick their players up when they feel down.

While sitting there listening to the Dayton Christian players thank the fans that came out to support them, I couldn't help but think of the current situation that Alex is going through. It seems like every doctor's appointment takes more wind out of her sails. Every day she wakes up feeling pain or discomfort, it's like her IC just recovered a fumble and took it in for another touchdown. I totally understand why she would start to hang her head. She feels like this is a deficit that our team can't overcome. But that's where I need to be her coach.

Picking up someone who is going through something like Interstitial Cystitis is a difficult task. Because the condition contributes to a significantly reduced quality of life, people who suffer from it also tend to be prone to feelings of depression. As my wife's coach, I try to make sure she knows that I'm here for her. Even if it's just sitting next to her and letting her cry on my shoulder. She feels like she isn't going to get better. I need to balance that out and remain optimistic that she will. Even though she probably feels like I'm just full of bullshit, I constantly remind her that things will get better. I really believe that they will. I figure that if I keep saying it, she'll eventually start to believe it. I will try to distract her from what she is feeling. Whether that means going and grabbing dinner somewhere, or putting a movie on Netflix, I keep up hope that the distraction will help her feel better...even if just for a small amount of time. I think it's important that no matter what your spouse is going through, whether it's something like IC or something where they are just having a string of bad days at work, you need to be the one that is there to help them get through it.

It's not a fun or easy job. When you're the coach, and you feel like your team is hanging their heads, the responsibility to pick them up falls to you. You have to do it. I have to be Alex's coach. I don't know exactly what to say to her in the locker room at halftime. But I hope that she knows she's not playing this game by herself. I'm out there with her. I may not be the one that takes all the hits physically, but I feel it too every time she takes one. But now isn't the time to hang our heads. Now is the time to adjust to a very positive attitude and really think we're going to be able to pull out a win. Because I really believe that we are going to win. It just might take longer than we thought.

“Adversity is another way to measure the greatness of individuals. I never had a crisis that didn't make me stronger.” - Lou Holtz 

Curveballs

I've always been a fan of baseball. Growing up, it was one of the few sports I was good at. I was small (didn't even hit 5' tall until my sophomore year of high school), but I was fast, had a good glove, and could beat out just about any bunt I laid down. As I continued to play baseball, the other kids continued to grow and get better. I remember being 14 and getting to practice one day to find a kid that I had never seen before. He was older than anyone else on our team by about 3 years, he was big, and he was strong. Our coach had brought him in to teach us how to hit curveballs. Up to that point, we hadn't really seen a pitcher who could throw a good curveball. We stood in the batter's box one at a time and saw pitches that started at our face at about 70mph and then cut right across the plate as the bottom dropped out of the pitch. It was unreal.

We learned a valuable lesson that day: curveballs suck.

When a curveball is coming at your head, you have two choices: stand in and take a cut, or bail out of the batter's box. Sometimes you take a swing and look completely stupid. Sometimes you bail out of the box and look completely stupid as a the ball cuts down and away and crosses the plate for a strike. Sometimes the ball doesn't break and you get hit in the face.

I wish life was a little league pitcher. I wish it would just throw nothing but fastballs and you just have to guess whether or not it's close enough to swing. But life is way past that. Life is like the crazy pitchers over in Japan that will either fire a 98mph fastball right past you, or will throw something that you've never seen before.

I have been married now for four years to the most wonderful woman on this earth, Alex. I often joke on stage that she is too good looking for me. She is. She's beautiful. But the truth is, she's also a great person. She's friendly, she's personable, and she has a great sense of humor. That's why this has been so difficult for me.

About a year ago, Alex started getting infections regularly. She would get a Urinary Tract Infection, then a Bladder Infection, then another Urinary Tract Infection. It seemed like every few weeks, she had to go to the doctor. The tests would come back positive, she'd get a prescription, and then things would go back to normal for a few weeks. But about a month ago, life decided to quit throwing fastballs and hit her with the curveball.

After feeling the symptoms of another UTI, she went to the doctor. The problem this time was, there was no infection. No signs of a Bladder Infection either. All the symptoms were there, but no infection. It was strange. Alex tends to worry. We balance each other out perfectly like that. She'll worry, and I always say that things will just work themselves out. It's a great yin and yang relationship. So she started to do what everyone does when they have questions about their health and began searching online. She came across some blogs and videos from people suffering from a disease called Interstitial Cystitis (or IC since it's too hard to spell and pronounce). IC is characterized as a chronic inflammatory condition in the bladder. Patients diagnosed with IC have to urinate frequently and don't feel any relief. They also experience crazy amounts of pain in their bladder and urethra. Basically, it's a condition that sucks really bad. To make it worse, doctor's don't know what causes IC, and there currently isn't a cure. There are treatments that can be done when a patient has a flare up, but the treatments are pretty invasive and aren't guaranteed to help with the pain. Alex felt in her gut that this was what she was dealing with. But I tried to remain optimistic that she was just falling victim to the classic "every diagnosis I find online is the worst thing possible" syndrome.

After several appointments with her regular doctors, Alex was referred to a specialist. We sat in the room together as Alex explained what she had been going through, and both of our heart's broke when the doctor said that she thought my wife had IC.

For the last few weeks, Alex has held out hope that the doctor was wrong. She set up an appointment for a second opinion and we both really thought that we would finally get some good news. I got a text from Alex that said, "Not a good appointment. Getting my blood work. I'll call you after it's done." She didn't even have to call. I knew what she was going to say. I didn't think I could feel much worse until I answered her call and she was crying. That was it. We had to accept it. This was something Alex was going to have to deal with for the rest of her life.

I realize that things could be much worse. This isn't a terminal thing. It's not something that will require surgery. But as a husband, I feel that it's my job to protect my wife and to take care of her. And to know that she is feeling pain and I can't take that pain away is devastating. I feel like a failure. And as soon as I start feeling bad about myself, I think about the pain and discomfort she's going through and I feel worse.

I decided to start this blog for a number of reasons. First off, I think it will help to get my feelings and experiences out. Even if nobody reads this, it helps sometimes to just put something out into the universe and get things off your chest. Secondly, my hope is that someone will stumble on this that is going through the same thing we are. I want to look at the positive side. If we can help out another couple or family by sharing what we are going through, then maybe that's why this happened.

For now, the only advice I can give to someone going through this is to stay in the batter's box. IC is a pretty nasty curveball. But don't bail out of the box. Stand in there and take your cut. Sometimes good things happen when you swing away.

If you'd like to read more about IC, check out these links:
http://www.ic-network.com/conditions/interstitial-cystitis/what-is-ic/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interstitial_cystitis